Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Jameson Andrew
Our precious little baby BOY was born on 8/13/12 at 10:58pm weighing 7lb 10oz and measuring 20 inches long. We are so thankful for this little life!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Our little peanut
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| 7 weeks - It is kind of hard to tell this is a baby! The round part is the yolk sac and the little bean is the baby - we could even see the little heartbeat! |
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| 11 weeks - Starting to look a little bit more like a baby! |
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| 20 weeks - I love those cute little lips and the little hand! |
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| 20 weeks - This is my favorite picture! I'm not really sure why - I just love how he or she looks all snuggled in there! Don't mind the part where it looks like the baby is missing an arm, just weird shadowing on the utlrasound :) |
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| 31 weeks - This picture makes me laugh. If you can decipher what you're looking at, you can see the baby's little face in the background (his/her eye is sort of visible and a little bit of the lips and chin). He has his hand over his face and then his little leg is on the left side - you can see the knee and the little calf and then his foot is on his forehead! The tech said we had a little acrobat in there all scrunched together!!! |
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Strawberry Thief
My strawberry plants are finally two years old, which means I was looking forward to bright red gorgeous strawberries straight from the garden this year. There had been a lot of blooms on my plants and I'd seen little tiny green strawberries starting to grow on a number of my plants. I've gone out and checked on them a few times and had noticed some starting to turn red. However, I started finding when I'd go out to check on them the next time, they would be gone. I know I'm getting forgetful lately, but not that forgetful, I was certain there had been some that were nearly ripe. I started thinking maybe something was making off with my berries. When we got back from vacation we spotted a few bunnies in the yard, so I thought maybe they were sneaking in the yard when Savannah was inside... or perhaps birds... I thought possibly our dog, but dismissed the idea. Well... today I caught the culprit red handed. I was out picking some cilantro and had just finished admiring a nice red strawberry (the biggest I've seen yet - much better than the one pea sized strawberry I've been able to harvest so far). I decided I would give it another day or two to plump up some more and get a little more red. I turned my back to get some more cilantro and when I looked again I saw a creature, very intentionally sniffing through my strawberry plants looking for ripe goods. It then delicately plucked out my one ripe strawberry, gently took it into the grass, where this creature then quickly gobbled it up... My poor, delicious looking, almost ripe strawberry was gone in mere moments. Who is to blame? Who else could it be but our little mischief maker herself...
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| Trouble, I tell you, pure trouble! |
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Speechless
I've had this post sitting unpublished for over a month now, but I figure I should actually post it and begin the stream of posts that I'd planned about our precious little one before I don't have any spare time to record this part of our journey!
Honestly, for months now I have pondered how to start this post and what to title it. The word that most strongly expresses how I feel is "speechless." I feel completely at a loss for words, humbled in amazement and awe.
Before I started writing this I read through some of my previous posts and found tears welling in my eyes numerous times. That 5 cm cyst that I was so nervous about turned out to be a wonderful, glorious cyst as it was healthy enough to be conceived into a child.
Going back to November, when the time came for that cycle to come to an end, I had pondered all week when I should take a pregnancy test and Thanksgiving day I woke up and decided that I might as well. I didn't feel like going to a large family gathering and having the disappointing news dropped on me that once again I was NOT pregnant. I figured it was better to know in the comfort and quietness of my home so I could grieve in private. I never thought it would be positive. I've seen so many negative pregnancy tests I was convinced that a negative result was all I was capable of producing with my body. I sat there looking at that little piece of plastic and to my shock started to see a faint line appear and for the first time ever it wasn't just the control line! You never know how you'll react in a situation like that; I didn't know if I'd be stunned, numb, or bawl my eyes out. As I stared at that little line all I could do was weep.
Andrew, the poor guy, he had worked nights the previous evening and was still in bed as he'd probably only gotten 3 or 4 hours of sleep by that time. Here comes this crazy woman stumbling into his bedroom, half dressed, bawling her eyes out. He jumped out of bed thinking something terrible had happened and all I could stammer out was, "I think I'm pregnant..." and then I continued to bawl.
It was honestly like I was in a daze. I knew God could open my womb if he wanted to, but I'd honestly come to believe that he didn't want that for us. I was convinced we would never get pregnant until after we adopted, if we ever got pregnant at all. But low and behold, God's plans for us were much different than I ever dreamed. And even now, months later, all I can do is sit in awe and wonder, completely speechless.
Honestly, for months now I have pondered how to start this post and what to title it. The word that most strongly expresses how I feel is "speechless." I feel completely at a loss for words, humbled in amazement and awe.
Before I started writing this I read through some of my previous posts and found tears welling in my eyes numerous times. That 5 cm cyst that I was so nervous about turned out to be a wonderful, glorious cyst as it was healthy enough to be conceived into a child.
Going back to November, when the time came for that cycle to come to an end, I had pondered all week when I should take a pregnancy test and Thanksgiving day I woke up and decided that I might as well. I didn't feel like going to a large family gathering and having the disappointing news dropped on me that once again I was NOT pregnant. I figured it was better to know in the comfort and quietness of my home so I could grieve in private. I never thought it would be positive. I've seen so many negative pregnancy tests I was convinced that a negative result was all I was capable of producing with my body. I sat there looking at that little piece of plastic and to my shock started to see a faint line appear and for the first time ever it wasn't just the control line! You never know how you'll react in a situation like that; I didn't know if I'd be stunned, numb, or bawl my eyes out. As I stared at that little line all I could do was weep.
Andrew, the poor guy, he had worked nights the previous evening and was still in bed as he'd probably only gotten 3 or 4 hours of sleep by that time. Here comes this crazy woman stumbling into his bedroom, half dressed, bawling her eyes out. He jumped out of bed thinking something terrible had happened and all I could stammer out was, "I think I'm pregnant..." and then I continued to bawl.
It was honestly like I was in a daze. I knew God could open my womb if he wanted to, but I'd honestly come to believe that he didn't want that for us. I was convinced we would never get pregnant until after we adopted, if we ever got pregnant at all. But low and behold, God's plans for us were much different than I ever dreamed. And even now, months later, all I can do is sit in awe and wonder, completely speechless.
Half a decade, what?
Yesterday, Andrew and I celebrated our 5th anniversary. In some ways, I can hardly believe it has been five years already. I've been married to him for half a decade! Yet, in a lot of ways it seems like we've been married much longer... because when I look back I can hardly remember or imagine my life without him.
Marriage has changed me in so many ways. We are separate people, yet our lives are so intertwined that he seems like a part of who I am. We've gone through seasons of our life where we've had to be separated for extended amounts of time; even now we often have opposite schedules that affect our ability to spend extended amounts of time together. Experiencing that has made me realize just how much I LOVE our time together. When I get home at night and he is gone, our home just feels so empty. When he is home, even if we have absolutely nothing going on or we're working on totally separate projects - his very presence in our home makes everything so much more full and wonderful.
Andrew, if you read this, I hope you know how very thankful I am for you. I love you even more today than I did during our time of elation while we dated and were engaged. We've had ups and downs, good days and bad, times of intense heartache and sorrow and times of great joy. Through it all, there is no one I would have rather had walking by my side than you. You make me feel safe and loved and cherished. How blessed I am to have a husband who is so willing to serve me and do SO many things around our house when I'm incapable.... how much painting have you done lately? Oh, thank you!
My life is better than I ever could have even dreamed up. I LOVE the life we have made together and wouldn't trade it for anything. I look forward to many, many more years together.... I'm all yours and I wouldn't have it ANY other way. Thanks for all you do for our family, you're simply the best! Happy anniversary!
Marriage has changed me in so many ways. We are separate people, yet our lives are so intertwined that he seems like a part of who I am. We've gone through seasons of our life where we've had to be separated for extended amounts of time; even now we often have opposite schedules that affect our ability to spend extended amounts of time together. Experiencing that has made me realize just how much I LOVE our time together. When I get home at night and he is gone, our home just feels so empty. When he is home, even if we have absolutely nothing going on or we're working on totally separate projects - his very presence in our home makes everything so much more full and wonderful.
Andrew, if you read this, I hope you know how very thankful I am for you. I love you even more today than I did during our time of elation while we dated and were engaged. We've had ups and downs, good days and bad, times of intense heartache and sorrow and times of great joy. Through it all, there is no one I would have rather had walking by my side than you. You make me feel safe and loved and cherished. How blessed I am to have a husband who is so willing to serve me and do SO many things around our house when I'm incapable.... how much painting have you done lately? Oh, thank you!
My life is better than I ever could have even dreamed up. I LOVE the life we have made together and wouldn't trade it for anything. I look forward to many, many more years together.... I'm all yours and I wouldn't have it ANY other way. Thanks for all you do for our family, you're simply the best! Happy anniversary!
Mother's Day
I wanted to make myself stop, sit down, and reflect on this day so I can get my thoughts into writing. Mother's Day is one of those bittersweet holidays. It's a wonderful time to take a step back and truly appreciate all the mothers that surround us - particularly our own.
Growing up Mother's Day was always that holiday that I would try to think of something sweet I could do to make my own mom feel appreciated. There was no association with pain or sadness, maybe guilt sometimes if I wasn't as prepared as I should have been, lol, but mostly joy and gratefulness that God blessed me with such a great mom. I loved being able to shower her with love and praise - she deserves it for all the time, sacrifice, and love she has poured into our family over the years.
A few years ago, however, Mother's Day took on new emotions for me. I honestly started to dread the approach of Mother's Day as I knew it would be the flashing neon sign reminding me of how I was incapable of becoming a mother. Infertility can cause Mother's Day to be one of the hardest days of the year. I know for me, infertility became just a daily part of my life - some days would be harder than others, but it almost becomes a part of who you are, a defining characteristic because it affects so many of the decisions you make and the direction of your life. But Mother's Day is that one day a year where everyone stops and turns their attentions towards mothers and pours out accolades and dotes on all those wonderful women who have given so much - oh the blessing of motherhood. It's true, it's so very true that it's a blessing and those wonderful women have sacrificed so much and SHOULD be honored, but to the infertile heart it's so very painful. You want to feel that precious life in you SO badly, you want to make the sacrifice and give that precious child everything you possibly can, but yet for some reason God has said "no". For whatever reason, you're left sitting on your chair at church while all the other women stand up when the preacher recognizes the mothers. Everyone around you is told "Happy Mother's Day" while people quietly walk passed you because, after all, you're not a mother. Proverbs 30:15, 16 says it well:
Growing up Mother's Day was always that holiday that I would try to think of something sweet I could do to make my own mom feel appreciated. There was no association with pain or sadness, maybe guilt sometimes if I wasn't as prepared as I should have been, lol, but mostly joy and gratefulness that God blessed me with such a great mom. I loved being able to shower her with love and praise - she deserves it for all the time, sacrifice, and love she has poured into our family over the years.
A few years ago, however, Mother's Day took on new emotions for me. I honestly started to dread the approach of Mother's Day as I knew it would be the flashing neon sign reminding me of how I was incapable of becoming a mother. Infertility can cause Mother's Day to be one of the hardest days of the year. I know for me, infertility became just a daily part of my life - some days would be harder than others, but it almost becomes a part of who you are, a defining characteristic because it affects so many of the decisions you make and the direction of your life. But Mother's Day is that one day a year where everyone stops and turns their attentions towards mothers and pours out accolades and dotes on all those wonderful women who have given so much - oh the blessing of motherhood. It's true, it's so very true that it's a blessing and those wonderful women have sacrificed so much and SHOULD be honored, but to the infertile heart it's so very painful. You want to feel that precious life in you SO badly, you want to make the sacrifice and give that precious child everything you possibly can, but yet for some reason God has said "no". For whatever reason, you're left sitting on your chair at church while all the other women stand up when the preacher recognizes the mothers. Everyone around you is told "Happy Mother's Day" while people quietly walk passed you because, after all, you're not a mother. Proverbs 30:15, 16 says it well:
“There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’"
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’"
The barren womb longs to be filled, yet this day is a reminder that that deep longing and yearning are still unfulfilled with no explanation or reason as to why.
Moving forward to this year... I look down today and see this bulge on my belly and feel these movements beneath my skin and I realize that today, on this Mother's Day, I'm a mom... and the thought makes me weep. I weep with joy and unbelief and gratitude at this miraculous gift in my womb, this gift that I never thought I would get to experience. Oh, precious little one in my womb, if you only knew how dearly you are loved already! However, as much as my weeping is of joy, a portion of my weeping is still in sadness. Now that I have tasted the pain and sorrow of infertility, I don't think I will ever be able to look at this day the same because my heart is still heavy for all those women who wake up and get to walk through today with the painful reminder of that yearning that is still unfulfilled asking, "Why God? Why not yet?" and having to surrender to His timing even when it makes no sense. I'll go to church today and look around at all the women that surround me knowing there are likely some who are deeply grieving today and honestly, my heart hurts deeply for them. I anticipate the pastor's words honoring the women in the congregation who get to wear the title of "Mom" and, for the first time, those words don't stab my heart, but yet I cringe a little knowing that knife is going into someone else's heart and I long for comforting words to be spoken to those who have experienced loss - whether it be of a child you've actually conceived or the loss of a child you've only dreamed of conceiving, or even the loss of your own mother.
Today my heart is filled with gratitude and joy and thankfulness, but today I also mourn and weep and pray for my dear sisters who surround me who are hurting on this day - your pain isn't forgotten.
"[The Lord] heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
His understanding has no limit." Psalm 143:3-5
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
His understanding has no limit." Psalm 143:3-5
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Mischief
This occurred a few weeks ago... Savannah was being awfully quiet, which is never a good sign. I went looking for her and heard some faint noises coming from the bathroom. This is what I found:
"What Mom??? Why are you staring at me?"
"Oh that... that wasn't me!"
"Really Mom, I didn't do it... I just found it like that!"
The little stinker! I caught her as she was sauntering out of the bathroom and she really did look at me like she was the most innocent thing in the world. Kind of like, "Did you see what happened in here? I didn't do it!" It was pretty funny, despite the poor fate of the toilet paper roll.
"What Mom??? Why are you staring at me?"
"Oh that... that wasn't me!"
"Really Mom, I didn't do it... I just found it like that!"
The little stinker! I caught her as she was sauntering out of the bathroom and she really did look at me like she was the most innocent thing in the world. Kind of like, "Did you see what happened in here? I didn't do it!" It was pretty funny, despite the poor fate of the toilet paper roll.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Update
A quick update: I had an ultrasound on Tuesday and found out that I have a 5cm (nearly 2 inch) cyst on my ovary. It's most likely a remnant of my last cycle. From all that they could tell, it seems to be a simple cyst. I was told that if it were a complex cyst they would need to surgically remove it, but the kind I have should go away without any intervention. So this cycle we're on our own, no Clomid or mid-cycle ultrasound. Hopefully it will go away! If it doesn't, the doctor will likely want to put me on birth control for a month to get rid of it... and I really don't want to have to do that!
"Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.... I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:3, 6-8
"Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.... I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:3, 6-8
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Find Rest
I thought I was pregnant. I really thought I was pregnant. I had spotting mid-cycle which I've never had and the timing was perfect for it to indicate implantation. But then I got my period... a week early. So now we start over and try to figure out what in the world happened this cycle. In the meantime, I'll be clinging to these verses:
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:5-8
I've decided that if this is what it takes to bring God glory, so be it. I know He loves me and I know He hears my prayers, so this must be where He wants us. So I will cling to Him and trust that He will provide exactly what I need when I need it.
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:5-8
I've decided that if this is what it takes to bring God glory, so be it. I know He loves me and I know He hears my prayers, so this must be where He wants us. So I will cling to Him and trust that He will provide exactly what I need when I need it.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Prayer Request
Friday at 11:30am we have an ultrasound and I would really, REALLY appreciate all the prayer we can get. This has been my third cycle on Clomid and my second ultrasound. Last month didn't go so well... we went in for our ultrasound to see if I had any follicles large enough to ovulate and I didn't - just a bunch of small, undeveloped follicles. We met with the infertility nurse after the ultrasound and the first words out of her mouth were, "this just isn't working..." It wasn't the most encouraging conversation I've ever had. So this month we upped my dosage and we're going back for my second ultrasound. I so badly want to be positive about it and full of hope, but all week I've had this bad feeling about how it's going to turn out. I'm praying God will perform a miracle... that He'll remember me and open my womb and lead us out of this dark and tiring journey.
It's so strange the emotions that come with infertility. Some days, I have an inexpressible joy that I know comes only from God. But just as quickly as the joy comes, it can disappear, for no apparent reason and leave in its place doubt and dread and confusion. One of the hardest parts for me is not understanding how God wants to use this in my life. I know He has a purpose, but it doesn't make any sense to me right now. I know God is sovereign and controls all things, which can be comforting, but can also make everything that much harder because I know God has complete power to open my womb, but for whatever reason He is choosing not to. That is a hard thing to wrestle with... to praise and worship God despite feeling like He is holding back one of my greatest desires. But He is bigger than me and I'm constantly humbled by that fact and my lack of faith.
So I'm praying that God proves me wrong this month - that all my gut feelings are wrong and we walk out of our appointment Friday with renewed hope and joy... because right now my hope is starting to run low. It's just exhausting trying to conceive month after month with no success. Thank you all for partnering with us in prayer and I will let you know how it goes. My prayer is that God can be glorified regardless of what happens.
It's so strange the emotions that come with infertility. Some days, I have an inexpressible joy that I know comes only from God. But just as quickly as the joy comes, it can disappear, for no apparent reason and leave in its place doubt and dread and confusion. One of the hardest parts for me is not understanding how God wants to use this in my life. I know He has a purpose, but it doesn't make any sense to me right now. I know God is sovereign and controls all things, which can be comforting, but can also make everything that much harder because I know God has complete power to open my womb, but for whatever reason He is choosing not to. That is a hard thing to wrestle with... to praise and worship God despite feeling like He is holding back one of my greatest desires. But He is bigger than me and I'm constantly humbled by that fact and my lack of faith.
So I'm praying that God proves me wrong this month - that all my gut feelings are wrong and we walk out of our appointment Friday with renewed hope and joy... because right now my hope is starting to run low. It's just exhausting trying to conceive month after month with no success. Thank you all for partnering with us in prayer and I will let you know how it goes. My prayer is that God can be glorified regardless of what happens.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Blessings
Sometimes there is a song that helps define a period of your life; a song that nearly perfectly describes what you are feeling or what you are going through. ‘Tis the case with Laura Story’s song Blessings. I feel like it captures so much of how I have felt during this period of my life:
We pray for blessings. We pray for peace.
Comfort for family. Protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity.
We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
But all the while you hear each spoken need.
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom; Your voice to hear.
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness. We doubt Your love.
As if every promise from Your word is not enough.
But all the while, You hear each desperate plea.
And long that we’d have faith to believe.
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us. When darkness seems to win, we know…
The pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. It’s not our home.
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?
Infertility has been my companion for nearly two years. It is like this invisible devastating force in my life that just will not go away. No matter how much I hope, how much I ignore it, or how much I pray, it never seems to leave my side. It has changed my life. As much as I have tried to live in spite of it and not be defined by it, I truly believe that it is one of those things in my life that will forever change me. As a result of all we’ve gone through, I have wrestled with God more times than I can count and been humbled to my knees more times than I can even remember. Infertility is such a humbling thing because you realize you have no control. When you can’t even control what happens within your own body, this body that allows me to live and breath and think and move… to realize that I have no control over it, is incredibly humbling. To know that no matter how much I beg God for a child, no matter how much I pray or read His word, or plead with Him to hear my cries…. it doesn’t change the fact that my womb is still empty. It’s humbling. It’s humbling because it makes me realize that I cannot control God. It reminds me that I can’t always get what I want and sometimes God has plans that are different than mine. Even when His plans don’t make sense, when I can’t understand or comprehend why this journey can’t finally come to an end, He knows. And He loves me enough to keep asking me to endure it, to keep putting me in situations that get harder and harder at every turn.
This song describes my heart perfectly. We pray for things to go how we want them. We even pray for good things, things we know God loves. But just because we pray doesn’t mean God is going to answer and just because God doesn’t answer doesn’t mean that our cries weren't heard. I know He hears my pleading. He sees the aching in my heart and my longing to hold a child. The desire I have to teach a little boy or girl about our Savior, to see their eyes light up over the silliest things, to hear their cries knowing it is my arms alone that can soothe them… He sees it all. The hardest thing to do is to wrestle with the emotions of feeling abandoned and cast off by God and somehow begin to view them as blessings, as His mercies. Because how can something so painful, something that seems filled with darkness and loneliness and silence, how can that be God’s blessing?
There have been times when I have cried out to God, asking Him where He is, why He is so silent, why He seems so very far away. Sometimes I’m angry, but most of the time I just hurt because I don’t understand it. I don’t see it as God sees it. I only see little snapshots of this life, I can’t see the whole canvas, I can’t see the whole story He is writing and fulfilling day by day. I’ve doubted who God is and how He can love me when He feels so far away. And regarding those emotions, Laura Story brings up one of the most piercing lines. “As if every promise from Your word is not enough.” That thought pierces my heart to the core because infertility does not change what God did for me. It doesn’t change the fact that He died for me; in fact it just shows me yet another reason why He died for me. He died to rescue me from the death and darkness and diseases of this world. He died to rescue me from the sin that brought about infertility in the first place. I firmly believe that if there was no fall, no sin, there would be no infertility. This cannot be how God intended it. Christ died so that I can one day be free of everything that fills this world, the sadness and darkness and depravity. This isn’t my destiny forever. Regardless of what happens today or tomorrow or next year, someday I will be free of all that grieves my heart. I will see my Savior and fall at His feet and for the first time truly understand what He did to set me free, what it cost Him to allow me to walk into His presence and spend eternity with Him.
My heart knows all that, my heart knows that this world is not the end, but it still hurts. It doesn’t change the fact that I still have to walk through this journey today and feel the weight of unfilled desires and unanswered pleas. I have hope that God has good things planned for our family, but I daily have to grapple with the fact that even if God never answers our prayers for a child, He is still good and sovereign and worthy of our praise. He is Adonai and Abba, both my Lord and my Father… my Savior whose grace daily sustains this beating heart.
My desires is to be able to be more open about where we've been and where we're going. I know we have a family that desires to walk with us through this journey and it is hard to be supportive when you don't even know what is happening... so here begins our postings about this arduous journey (that will hopefully have a sweet and beautiful ending sooner rather than later...).
Friday, July 15, 2011
Life
I know this post is going to be a little outdated now, but I'm slow at blogging and I finally have a little time to spew my thoughts out to whoever might still be reading our decrepit blog. As a bit of a preface, I'm a people pleaser by nature. I don't particularly like conflict and I have a tendency to try to see all sides of an issue before I say anything. It seems like a good quality, and can be at times, but sometimes it's a hindrance because everything can start to feel like it falls into a "grey" area and people oftentimes have strong opinions about something only until they get placed into that life situation and suddenly they see things from a whole new light. But isn't the whole point of a blog to share life and have a platform to speak on issues that I'm passionate about, regardless if they please the whole world? So this is me speaking out about something that I think does not fall in that "grey" area, something I'm quite passionate about.
I recently changed jobs, which has been an interesting experience. For the past few weeks when we've gone on break, the Casey Anthony trial has been on the tv in the break area. I don't really know much about the case to be honest, but a lot of people I work with have followed it pretty closely. On the day when the verdict came out, it was the talk of the day. A few people specifically requested to be able to get info about the verdict as soon as it came out, so that's what happened. When people heard the verdict, "not guilty," the whole room was full of people's shock and horror and anger. The most frequent comment I heard is that someone will probably try to take justice into their own hands and right the mistake made by the lawmakers of letting her get off so easily (except their language was a little more colorful). I sat back and watched all of these people get so worked up, so angry, so passionately horrified that such little justice was done for a beautiful three year old little girl. Many people thought the mother should have gotten the electric chair. Passionate anger. They felt she was a murderer through and through. I don't know what happened to that little girl and my heart breaks about the whole situation.
What struck me the most, however, is this fact: if that little girl, the same exact little girl with the same DNA, who would grow up to have that cute little face and the beautiful brown hair, if her life had been taken a few years earlier - no one would care. Most people wouldn't have known and most people who would know would probably advocate for her death. The nation wouldn't be horrified, it wouldn't be the talk of the day at work, people wouldn't get passionately angry and fight for her rights. Her mom could have walked into an abortion clinic, had her little girl removed from her womb, and that would have been the end of it right there. No trial, no uproar, no investigation.
How is it different? Why at three years is it murder, but at three weeks it's freedom of choice? At three years people want to put that mom to death, but at three weeks people stand up for her and fight for her right to live out life how she wants. Maybe it's at three weeks she decides she doesn't want her daughter, maybe it's at three years... aren't they one and the same? If it isn't alright at three years, why do we have such apathy at three weeks? "But it's not a child yet, it's only a fetus and has no rights... it's not a person... it's has no soul, no spirit, no rights..." Really? That child when it is born will have the same DNA, those little bundles of cells will turn into a little boy or girl that will smile and learn to talk and maybe change the world. But we make pathetic excuses to make ourselves feel better when life doesn't go our way and we want to avoid the inconvenience or the pain or the turmoil that might come with having an unplanned child. We somehow think that getting rid of that little pile of cells in our womb isn't murder. We tell ourselves that we aren't murdering our child. But that's what it is and it's what our nation has done. According to the CDC, over 800,000 abortions were reported in 2008 alone. I read that number and my stomach turned upside down, I wanted to throw up at the mere thought of it. Over 800,000 in one year? What are we doing as a nation? Freedom of choice? The freedom to choose is a right that exists before a child is conceived, not after.
I know there are women hurting and I know it's a hard issue and I know I'll never know all the circumstances involved, but there are no good excuses. Every life is precious, every life is a gift, and it makes me want to weep when people can view a child's life with such disregard. It's an issue that makes my blood boil. Equally as bad, however, is that we've made it a cultural norm and have lied to our teenagers with a message that abortion is an accessible, easy way out. We let them think that it's a way to make the issue disappear, yet fail to tell them they will carry those wounds for the rest of their life. There's no easy way out. That's not how life works.
I'll step off my pedestal now and say a few prayers that those mom's considering abortion would consider adoption instead - that those children would have a family to nurture them into the child God intended, a child who just might change the world.
I recently changed jobs, which has been an interesting experience. For the past few weeks when we've gone on break, the Casey Anthony trial has been on the tv in the break area. I don't really know much about the case to be honest, but a lot of people I work with have followed it pretty closely. On the day when the verdict came out, it was the talk of the day. A few people specifically requested to be able to get info about the verdict as soon as it came out, so that's what happened. When people heard the verdict, "not guilty," the whole room was full of people's shock and horror and anger. The most frequent comment I heard is that someone will probably try to take justice into their own hands and right the mistake made by the lawmakers of letting her get off so easily (except their language was a little more colorful). I sat back and watched all of these people get so worked up, so angry, so passionately horrified that such little justice was done for a beautiful three year old little girl. Many people thought the mother should have gotten the electric chair. Passionate anger. They felt she was a murderer through and through. I don't know what happened to that little girl and my heart breaks about the whole situation.
What struck me the most, however, is this fact: if that little girl, the same exact little girl with the same DNA, who would grow up to have that cute little face and the beautiful brown hair, if her life had been taken a few years earlier - no one would care. Most people wouldn't have known and most people who would know would probably advocate for her death. The nation wouldn't be horrified, it wouldn't be the talk of the day at work, people wouldn't get passionately angry and fight for her rights. Her mom could have walked into an abortion clinic, had her little girl removed from her womb, and that would have been the end of it right there. No trial, no uproar, no investigation.
How is it different? Why at three years is it murder, but at three weeks it's freedom of choice? At three years people want to put that mom to death, but at three weeks people stand up for her and fight for her right to live out life how she wants. Maybe it's at three weeks she decides she doesn't want her daughter, maybe it's at three years... aren't they one and the same? If it isn't alright at three years, why do we have such apathy at three weeks? "But it's not a child yet, it's only a fetus and has no rights... it's not a person... it's has no soul, no spirit, no rights..." Really? That child when it is born will have the same DNA, those little bundles of cells will turn into a little boy or girl that will smile and learn to talk and maybe change the world. But we make pathetic excuses to make ourselves feel better when life doesn't go our way and we want to avoid the inconvenience or the pain or the turmoil that might come with having an unplanned child. We somehow think that getting rid of that little pile of cells in our womb isn't murder. We tell ourselves that we aren't murdering our child. But that's what it is and it's what our nation has done. According to the CDC, over 800,000 abortions were reported in 2008 alone. I read that number and my stomach turned upside down, I wanted to throw up at the mere thought of it. Over 800,000 in one year? What are we doing as a nation? Freedom of choice? The freedom to choose is a right that exists before a child is conceived, not after.
I know there are women hurting and I know it's a hard issue and I know I'll never know all the circumstances involved, but there are no good excuses. Every life is precious, every life is a gift, and it makes me want to weep when people can view a child's life with such disregard. It's an issue that makes my blood boil. Equally as bad, however, is that we've made it a cultural norm and have lied to our teenagers with a message that abortion is an accessible, easy way out. We let them think that it's a way to make the issue disappear, yet fail to tell them they will carry those wounds for the rest of their life. There's no easy way out. That's not how life works.
I'll step off my pedestal now and say a few prayers that those mom's considering abortion would consider adoption instead - that those children would have a family to nurture them into the child God intended, a child who just might change the world.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Follow up
Let me set the record straight. We will not, and I repeat, will not become vegetarians. Period.
Prey
I was just staring out the patio door watching my puppy as she eyed a Robin. In the past week, she started chasing birds. It’s quite entertaining to watch because she hasn’t quite mastered the skill of stalking and she just starts wildly running through the yard after them. At this point, I’m not sure the Robin has much to be worried about. Oddly though, I found myself cheering for my pup – almost hoping she could catch the bird. Now I’m a huge softy at heart. For Pete’s sake, I’m the one who rescued seven baby raccoons from being smashed at a busy road crossing (but that’s another story). One day in high school I hit a cat while I was driving... I had to pull over because I was bawling so hard. I’m the one always cheering for the antelope to get away from the tiger on the jungle chases or the buffalo to outwit the lion. I cringe at the moment when they make a kill and the poor creature lies defenseless – it’s almost as if my very being cries out against it.
However, as I’ve watched my pup grow, I’ve seen again and again that her prey drive is woven into the very fabric of her being. Nobody taught her that, it’s just part of who she is. It’s how God made her. Now, knowing that was God’s design, why do I struggle so much with it? In the wild, if that tiger doesn’t catch the antelope (or whatever else it’s chasing) and that happens often enough, that tiger will die. Now the antelope can eat grass and whatever other plants it can find, but because the tiger needs meat, I cheer against it. Why is it better for one to die than the other?
As I sat and pondered my “soft heart,” it dawned on my just how much a hypocrite I am. I hate the thought of death, yet I don’t bat an eye at eating meat every night for dinner because I don’t have to see the process it goes through (unless I’m butchering chickens at the Ternes farm). I totally understand where vegetarians are coming from and their plight for people to really think about the food they eat. I’ve pondered becoming a vegetarian a time or two, knowing that my lifestyle affects the lives of numerous creatures. But watching my pup I started to think about it differently.
I firmly believe God didn’t originally design our planet to work in this fashion – with death of one creature being needed to bring life to another, and I don’t believe it will always be like this. One day Christ will return and there will be a new heaven and a new earth and I don’t think carnage will be a necessary part of it. However, right now, it is. And if I can’t accept that God designed it that way, than I need to reevaluate how I view God. Does that mean I’ll go hunting just for sport? No. Nor will I probably ever find any joy in seeing a creature die (and it will most likely always cause me to cry). I firmly believe that life should be highly valued and the weight of death strongly considered. I also believe humans are MUCH more valuable than animals. With that said, I do believe God designed some creatures to be prey and some creatures to be predators.
That statement reminds me of Romans 9 where it talks about God designing some people for noble purposes and some for common use, how some are designed to be objects of righteousness, and some objects of wrath. I don’t understand this, and I can’t say I really like it. If I could have my way, everyone would repent, and everyone would go to heaven, but that’s not the way it works. On the flip-side, I’m so grateful that we’re not all damned as we deserve to be, but that God has chosen to save some and desires for all to be saved. God is sovereign, He is good, and He is also just. Those things ALL must fit together. When I don’t understand a piece of it, I can’t just make up my own theology or discredit His design. After all, death had to come to His Son, a painful, bloody death, in order for me to be made righteous. God has a purpose in His plan and I need to accept the good parts, the bad parts, and the parts that I don’t understand.
Thanks pup for chasing that bird and bringing about a theological discussion in my head. I’ll try not to cry when you finally catch one some day.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Meet Savannah Mae
Time to get my bum into gear and start blogging again. No promises, but I’ll do my best to keep it up. Our most recent adventure was to buy a puppy and take on the hefty task of trying to raise and train her. I spent the last 9 months baby-sitting my nephews – with that in mind, I feel like I have my own two year old. Sometimes she’s sweet as a button and my heart just melts, but other times…. oh goodness… she can be a pistol! So without further ado, here’s our little lady – Miss Savannah. 
9 weeks - "Mom, isn't this how everyone sleeps?
10 weeks- getting ready to play with her favorite toy: a ball on a string
She's pretty cute, I will admit! She had cute little floppy ears when we first got her, but a week later one ear went up and by the next week both were up. Based on her paws and big ears, we're thinking she might be one good sized German Shepherd. As long as she behaves she can get as big as she wants (if only she'd keep the puppy fur!).
Today she found a cockroach. I'd share the video, but it's kind of gross. She had a blast chasing it around... until it got stuck to her nose. It was pretty funny. It met its demise with a nice loud crunch that nearly had me gagging!
One final picture:
This is how she was sleeping one day last week. How can that possibly be comfortable?
7 weeks - the day we got her
8 weeks - with a delicious looking treat in her mouth
9 weeks - "Mom, isn't this how everyone sleeps?
10 weeks- getting ready to play with her favorite toy: a ball on a string
11 weeks - visiting my parent's house for the first time
She's pretty cute, I will admit! She had cute little floppy ears when we first got her, but a week later one ear went up and by the next week both were up. Based on her paws and big ears, we're thinking she might be one good sized German Shepherd. As long as she behaves she can get as big as she wants (if only she'd keep the puppy fur!).
Today she found a cockroach. I'd share the video, but it's kind of gross. She had a blast chasing it around... until it got stuck to her nose. It was pretty funny. It met its demise with a nice loud crunch that nearly had me gagging!
One final picture:
This is how she was sleeping one day last week. How can that possibly be comfortable?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A "brief" pondering about Christmas
Last week I was pondering the common themes of Christmas. On one hand you have the baby in a manger representing the Christian perspective of what Christmas is all about. On the other hand you have Santa Claus, which has become the commercialized symbol of Christmas. There is a steady debate among the Christian community as to whether Santa Claus belongs in Christmas at all, and if he does, the question arises, "How do you reconcile Santa Claus and Christ?" I'm a fairly big blog reader when I have time and I came across this article by Mark Driscoll about what they tell their kids about Santa. In brief, they talk to their kids about who St. Nicholas really was and help them decipher between what is real and what is imaginary and allow them to enjoy it all. To give a little background on Saint Nicholas (from the article):
"Nicholas was born in the third century in Patara, a village in what is now Turkey. He was born into an affluent family, but his parents died tragically when he was quite young. His parents had raised him to be a devout Christian, which led him to spend his great inheritance on helping the poor, especially children. He was known to frequently give gifts to children, sometimes even hanging socks filled with treats and presents. Perhaps his most famous act of kindness was helping three sisters. Because their family was too poor to pay for their wedding dowry, three young Christian women were facing a life of prostitution until Nicholas paid their dowry, thereby saving them from a horrible life of sexual slavery."
Where people land on this issue is totally a matter of personal choice and conscience - that's not really where I'm going with all of this. As I pondered the two "symbols" of Christmas, I started thinking about if I was Saint Nicholas. I spend my life striving to live for Christ - my redeemer. I pour all that I have into helping those in need because, after all, Christ said, "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me," (Matthew 33:40). I am known as a follower of Jesus Christ, the Christ who hung on a cross to die and then rose again only a couple hundred years before I lived. I worshiped the one true King and spent my life serving him, so much so that I was canonized as a saint. What would my reaction be if I knew that a few thousand years later, I would become the secular symbol of Christmas? That I would be viewed as the "alternative" symbol for Christ at Christmas time. If I knew that children would be worshiping (or at least focusing) on me at Christmas time instead of the Christ that I was focused on all of my life. How devastated would I be if I knew that somehow I had become a figure that diverted the focus away from Christ, my Savior?
I can only imagine his devastation if he knew how his image had been distorted, to know that he was being used as a distraction rather than a means to glorify the Savior he worshiped. If I were him, I think I would fall down weeping and through my tears proclaim, "Why are you all looking at me, a mere sinner? Why aren't you looking at our Savior, the one who redeemed us, the true gift-giver. He is the one who can redeem our souls and give us the gift of eternal saving grace? What are my measly gifts in comparison to that? Stop looking at me - look at HIM!"
Who knows what he would really be thinking, but I can't imagine he would be proud or thankful of how we have chosen to honor his life. I started thinking about how I would want to be remembered and what I would want people to say about me. I long to be known as a servant of Christ - one who lived and died worshiping the one true God. I'm guessing that is what Saint Nicholas would want to be known for too, and maybe that is what I will tell my children about him. I want them to have fun at Christmas time, I want it to be a joyous event, but I also don't want to do a great disservice to a man who lived his life for Christ, nor do I want to lose sight of why we celebrate Christmas at all - the birth of our Savior.
Monday, July 13, 2009
DPS Update
We finally have a little news regarding Andrew’s job application process. The last time we heard anything was back in May when we were told that due to everything happening with the economy and budget cuts, the academy was no longer a sure thing, but rather tentative based on funding from a federal grant. If the academy happens, it will start late September. At that time, it was estimated they would find out the status of the grant in early August and Andrew and I guessed they would wait until after that to extend final offers if the academy was a go. Unfortunately, even if the academy happened it would be possible that Andrew would not get an offer… two big variables that would decide a lot for our family in the future.
We have been told again and again that no news is good news throughout this whole process, so we weren’t concerned that we hadn’t heard anything for nearly two months. Typically in the past we’ve been told that offers will be extended via the phone and bad news is sent via letter. With that in mind, you can imagine why Andrew would be a little nervous when he opened up the mailbox this past Friday and inside found a letter from DPS. When he first started reading the letter, however, it seemed to be merely a letter touching base with the candidates again informing them of the tentative academy and when they expected to get news regarding the federal grant. Much to our surprise, however, they decided to extend tentative final offers to those candidates who would be at the 2009 academy should it occur and Andrew got one of those offers. Praise God! We are ecstatic and so thankful that God has brought him one step closer.
Although I wanted to give everyone an update about the status of the DPS job, my primary reason for writing this post is to ask/beg that you would be fervently praying that the academy would get funding. If that is not God’s will, so be it… we will still give Him praise if it doesn’t happen, but our heart’s desire is that it would. It is likely that if the academy is cancelled this year, it will likely not happen again for another few years. The timing couldn’t be more perfect for Andrew to do it now while we still live close to Camp Dodge and we have no children. Again, we would ask that you would be praying that those processing the grants would find favor with the request of Iowa DPS and they would get funding for this year’s academy. Thank you all for your continual encouragement and prayer for us. We’ll be sure to update you as soon as we hear something!
We have been told again and again that no news is good news throughout this whole process, so we weren’t concerned that we hadn’t heard anything for nearly two months. Typically in the past we’ve been told that offers will be extended via the phone and bad news is sent via letter. With that in mind, you can imagine why Andrew would be a little nervous when he opened up the mailbox this past Friday and inside found a letter from DPS. When he first started reading the letter, however, it seemed to be merely a letter touching base with the candidates again informing them of the tentative academy and when they expected to get news regarding the federal grant. Much to our surprise, however, they decided to extend tentative final offers to those candidates who would be at the 2009 academy should it occur and Andrew got one of those offers. Praise God! We are ecstatic and so thankful that God has brought him one step closer.
Although I wanted to give everyone an update about the status of the DPS job, my primary reason for writing this post is to ask/beg that you would be fervently praying that the academy would get funding. If that is not God’s will, so be it… we will still give Him praise if it doesn’t happen, but our heart’s desire is that it would. It is likely that if the academy is cancelled this year, it will likely not happen again for another few years. The timing couldn’t be more perfect for Andrew to do it now while we still live close to Camp Dodge and we have no children. Again, we would ask that you would be praying that those processing the grants would find favor with the request of Iowa DPS and they would get funding for this year’s academy. Thank you all for your continual encouragement and prayer for us. We’ll be sure to update you as soon as we hear something!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Into Stuff
A few days ago, I was talking to someone I dearly love about Jesus. As we were talking, she told me a few times that she hadn't realized how into this stuff I am. It struck me in sort of a negative way because when I think "into stuff" I think religion or church traditions or even dark things like witchcraft or drugs. Being into stuff connotes being into something that is man-made, some grouping of ideas that you can take or leave depending on what suits you. I guess I don't see myself as being into stuff, but into Jesus. I'm not into religion. I'm not into denominations, church sects, or traditions. I'm into Jesus Christ. I'm into Him because He is the only one who has the power to save me, the power to redeem my sins, and the power to cleanse this wretched heart of mine. Out of my own free choice I've thwarted God, I've sinned in vile ways, I've defiled myself and other people. I've sinned against God and because of that, I deserve death, I deserve damnation, I deserve to pay the just penalty and spend eternity in hell. That's the truth and my conscience screams it at me.
I'm into Jesus because out of God's compassion for me, a vile, sinful person, my Father sent His Son to live on this earth, empowered by the Holy Spirit. He lived on this earth, was betrayed by men, was beaten, cursed, and hung on a shameful, cursed cross even though He never did anything wrong. He hung on a cross because He told everyone He was God and the only way to the Father. He made the claim that He was God which either makes Him a liar who deserves damnation just like me or it means that He was actually God and came to bring mankind the best news it had ever heard. He brought the news that He would die a painful death to take upon Himself our sins. He lead a perfect, blameless life in order to make the payment for our sins. He was the spotless lamb that was slaughtered in our place so that we could be made pure, so that we could have communion with God, so that we could spend eternity in the presence of a holy and righteous God. We deserved wrath because God is just and we violated Him. But God is compassionate and merciful and turned His wrath from us to Jesus so that those who have faith in His Son could have their sins forgiven because of Christ's spilled blood.
I'm into Jesus because He triumphed over Satan, sin, and death and rose from the grave victoriously so that I do not worship a dead God, but one who is alive, living, and breathing. I worship a triumphant God who one day will ride to earth on a white horse, speaking the Word of God, with the title "Lord of Lords and King of Kings" tattooed down His thigh. He will come to earth to bring God's wrath on those who have not trusted and worshiped the one true God, and to bring salvation and redemption to those who have.
I'm into Jesus because He freed me from my slavery to Satan and death and breathed new life into my dead heart. He put in me the Holy Spirit to teach me and guide me in His truths. He gave me a heart capable of loving a God that I despised and the ability to despise all the sin that I used to love. I'm into Jesus because He died for me while I still hated Him and rejected Him. I'm into Jesus because He saved me from myself and gave me the most precious gift possible: He gave me His blood in exchange for my sin. I'm into Jesus because He shed His blood for my friends and my family and for anyone who might come upon these words. I'm into Jesus because He will give the gift of His blood in exchange for your sin even though you've done nothing good to deserve it... trust Him as your Lord and Savior.
Plain and simple, I'm into Jesus Christ and I guess if that means I'm "into stuff," I'll take that label and wear it with honor and humble gratitude, it's the best claim I can make about myself.
I'm into Jesus because out of God's compassion for me, a vile, sinful person, my Father sent His Son to live on this earth, empowered by the Holy Spirit. He lived on this earth, was betrayed by men, was beaten, cursed, and hung on a shameful, cursed cross even though He never did anything wrong. He hung on a cross because He told everyone He was God and the only way to the Father. He made the claim that He was God which either makes Him a liar who deserves damnation just like me or it means that He was actually God and came to bring mankind the best news it had ever heard. He brought the news that He would die a painful death to take upon Himself our sins. He lead a perfect, blameless life in order to make the payment for our sins. He was the spotless lamb that was slaughtered in our place so that we could be made pure, so that we could have communion with God, so that we could spend eternity in the presence of a holy and righteous God. We deserved wrath because God is just and we violated Him. But God is compassionate and merciful and turned His wrath from us to Jesus so that those who have faith in His Son could have their sins forgiven because of Christ's spilled blood.
I'm into Jesus because He triumphed over Satan, sin, and death and rose from the grave victoriously so that I do not worship a dead God, but one who is alive, living, and breathing. I worship a triumphant God who one day will ride to earth on a white horse, speaking the Word of God, with the title "Lord of Lords and King of Kings" tattooed down His thigh. He will come to earth to bring God's wrath on those who have not trusted and worshiped the one true God, and to bring salvation and redemption to those who have.
I'm into Jesus because He freed me from my slavery to Satan and death and breathed new life into my dead heart. He put in me the Holy Spirit to teach me and guide me in His truths. He gave me a heart capable of loving a God that I despised and the ability to despise all the sin that I used to love. I'm into Jesus because He died for me while I still hated Him and rejected Him. I'm into Jesus because He saved me from myself and gave me the most precious gift possible: He gave me His blood in exchange for my sin. I'm into Jesus because He shed His blood for my friends and my family and for anyone who might come upon these words. I'm into Jesus because He will give the gift of His blood in exchange for your sin even though you've done nothing good to deserve it... trust Him as your Lord and Savior.
Plain and simple, I'm into Jesus Christ and I guess if that means I'm "into stuff," I'll take that label and wear it with honor and humble gratitude, it's the best claim I can make about myself.
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