Friday at 11:30am we have an ultrasound and I would really, REALLY appreciate all the prayer we can get. This has been my third cycle on Clomid and my second ultrasound. Last month didn't go so well... we went in for our ultrasound to see if I had any follicles large enough to ovulate and I didn't - just a bunch of small, undeveloped follicles. We met with the infertility nurse after the ultrasound and the first words out of her mouth were, "this just isn't working..." It wasn't the most encouraging conversation I've ever had. So this month we upped my dosage and we're going back for my second ultrasound. I so badly want to be positive about it and full of hope, but all week I've had this bad feeling about how it's going to turn out. I'm praying God will perform a miracle... that He'll remember me and open my womb and lead us out of this dark and tiring journey.
It's so strange the emotions that come with infertility. Some days, I have an inexpressible joy that I know comes only from God. But just as quickly as the joy comes, it can disappear, for no apparent reason and leave in its place doubt and dread and confusion. One of the hardest parts for me is not understanding how God wants to use this in my life. I know He has a purpose, but it doesn't make any sense to me right now. I know God is sovereign and controls all things, which can be comforting, but can also make everything that much harder because I know God has complete power to open my womb, but for whatever reason He is choosing not to. That is a hard thing to wrestle with... to praise and worship God despite feeling like He is holding back one of my greatest desires. But He is bigger than me and I'm constantly humbled by that fact and my lack of faith.
So I'm praying that God proves me wrong this month - that all my gut feelings are wrong and we walk out of our appointment Friday with renewed hope and joy... because right now my hope is starting to run low. It's just exhausting trying to conceive month after month with no success. Thank you all for partnering with us in prayer and I will let you know how it goes. My prayer is that God can be glorified regardless of what happens.
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3 comments:
Hi Shantel! Jess Crawford passed your blog onto me and I am so glad she did. I just finished reading your last couple posts and I almost don't have words to say - simply because I completely understand every single thing you shared. I seriously felt like I was reading some of my old journals.
Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I wish I could have you over for coffee and just sit with you and weep with you. Since I can't (I don't remember exactly where you live, but I don't think it is that close to Ames - if so, let me know) know that I will be praying for you and at times weeping with you as I follow your blog. Keep hanging in there.
I have no words that can lesson your pain or struggle, but please know we love you both, and continue to pray for God's plan and timing in all of this, and it is with thanksgiving and hope we continue to pray that the God who has created all things- will open your womb. Praying for you today, Shantel, and most certainly will be praying tomorrow and in the days to come.
Lamentations 3:22-24
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to and end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion," says my soul, therefore I will hope in him."
Praying that you will see God's mercies today, and that you will not lose faith. Stay strong, my dear sister- God is our refuge and our strength (Psalm 91:2-4)
Love you so much!
Anna
Count on my prayers today, tomorrow and always. Your pregnancy is in my heart!
Love, Sam
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