Update

A quick update: I had an ultrasound on Tuesday and found out that I have a 5cm (nearly 2 inch) cyst on my ovary. It's most likely a remnant of my last cycle. From all that they could tell, it seems to be a simple cyst. I was told that if it were a complex cyst they would need to surgically remove it, but the kind I have should go away without any intervention. So this cycle we're on our own, no Clomid or mid-cycle ultrasound. Hopefully it will go away! If it doesn't, the doctor will likely want to put me on birth control for a month to get rid of it... and I really don't want to have to do that!

"Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.... I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:3, 6-8

Find Rest

I thought I was pregnant. I really thought I was pregnant. I had spotting mid-cycle which I've never had and the timing was perfect for it to indicate implantation. But then I got my period... a week early. So now we start over and try to figure out what in the world happened this cycle. In the meantime, I'll be clinging to these verses:

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:5-8

I've decided that if this is what it takes to bring God glory, so be it. I know He loves me and I know He hears my prayers, so this must be where He wants us. So I will cling to Him and trust that He will provide exactly what I need when I need it.

Prayer Request

Friday at 11:30am we have an ultrasound and I would really, REALLY appreciate all the prayer we can get. This has been my third cycle on Clomid and my second ultrasound. Last month didn't go so well... we went in for our ultrasound to see if I had any follicles large enough to ovulate and I didn't - just a bunch of small, undeveloped follicles. We met with the infertility nurse after the ultrasound and the first words out of her mouth were, "this just isn't working..." It wasn't the most encouraging conversation I've ever had. So this month we upped my dosage and we're going back for my second ultrasound. I so badly want to be positive about it and full of hope, but all week I've had this bad feeling about how it's going to turn out. I'm praying God will perform a miracle... that He'll remember me and open my womb and lead us out of this dark and tiring journey.

It's so strange the emotions that come with infertility. Some days, I have an inexpressible joy that I know comes only from God. But just as quickly as the joy comes, it can disappear, for no apparent reason and leave in its place doubt and dread and confusion. One of the hardest parts for me is not understanding how God wants to use this in my life. I know He has a purpose, but it doesn't make any sense to me right now. I know God is sovereign and controls all things, which can be comforting, but can also make everything that much harder because I know God has complete power to open my womb, but for whatever reason He is choosing not to. That is a hard thing to wrestle with... to praise and worship God despite feeling like He is holding back one of my greatest desires. But He is bigger than me and I'm constantly humbled by that fact and my lack of faith.

So I'm praying that God proves me wrong this month - that all my gut feelings are wrong and we walk out of our appointment Friday with renewed hope and joy... because right now my hope is starting to run low. It's just exhausting trying to conceive month after month with no success. Thank you all for partnering with us in prayer and I will let you know how it goes. My prayer is that God can be glorified regardless of what happens.