Speechless

I've had this post sitting unpublished for over a month now, but I figure I should actually post it and begin the stream of posts that I'd planned about our precious little one before I don't have any spare time to record this part of our journey!

Honestly, for months now I have pondered how to start this post and what to title it. The word that most strongly expresses how I feel is "speechless." I feel completely at a loss for words, humbled in amazement and awe.

Before I started writing this I read through some of my previous posts and found tears welling in my eyes numerous times. That 5 cm cyst that I was so nervous about turned out to be a wonderful, glorious cyst as it was healthy enough to be conceived into a child.

Going back to November, when the time came for that cycle to come to an end, I had pondered all week when I should take a pregnancy test and Thanksgiving day I woke up and decided that I might as well.  I didn't feel like going to a large family gathering and having the disappointing news dropped on me that once again I was NOT pregnant.  I figured it was better to know in the comfort and quietness of my home so I could grieve in private. I never thought it would be positive.  I've seen so many negative pregnancy tests I was convinced that a negative result was all I was capable of producing with my body. I sat there looking at that little piece of plastic and to my shock started to see a faint line appear and for the first time ever it wasn't just the control line! You never know how you'll react in a situation like that;  I didn't know if I'd be stunned, numb, or bawl my eyes out.  As I stared at that little line all I could do was weep.

Andrew, the poor guy, he had worked nights the previous evening and was still in bed as he'd probably only gotten 3 or 4 hours of sleep by that time. Here comes this crazy woman stumbling into his bedroom, half dressed, bawling her eyes out. He jumped out of bed thinking something terrible had happened and all I could stammer out was, "I think I'm pregnant..." and then I continued to bawl.

It was honestly like I was in a daze. I knew God could open my womb if he wanted to, but I'd honestly come to believe that he didn't want that for us. I was convinced we would never get pregnant until after we adopted, if we ever got pregnant at all. But low and behold, God's plans for us were much different than I ever dreamed. And even now, months later, all I can do is sit in awe and wonder, completely speechless.

Half a decade, what?

Yesterday, Andrew and I celebrated our 5th anniversary. In some ways, I can hardly believe it has been five years already.  I've been married to him for half a decade!  Yet, in a lot of ways it seems like we've been married much longer... because when I look back I can hardly remember or imagine my life without him.

Marriage has changed me in so many ways.  We are separate people, yet our lives are so intertwined that he seems like a part of who I am.   We've gone through seasons of our life where we've had to be separated for extended amounts of time; even now we often have opposite schedules that affect our ability to spend extended amounts of time together.  Experiencing that has made me realize just how much I LOVE our time together.  When I get home at night and he is gone, our home just feels so empty.  When he is home, even if we have absolutely nothing going on or we're working on totally separate projects - his very presence in our home makes everything so much more full and wonderful.

Andrew, if you read this, I hope you know how very thankful I am for you.  I love you even more today than I did during our time of elation while we dated and were engaged.  We've had ups and downs, good days and bad, times of intense heartache and sorrow and times of great joy.  Through it all, there is no one I would have rather had walking by my side than you.  You make me feel safe and loved and cherished.  How blessed I am to have a husband who is so willing to serve me and do SO many things around our house when I'm incapable.... how much painting have you done lately?  Oh, thank you!

My life is better than I ever could have even dreamed up.  I LOVE the life we have made together and wouldn't trade it for anything.  I look forward to many, many more years together.... I'm all yours and I wouldn't have it ANY other way.  Thanks for all you do for our family, you're simply the best!  Happy anniversary!

Mother's Day

I wanted to make myself stop, sit down, and reflect on this day so I can get my thoughts into writing. Mother's Day is one of those bittersweet holidays. It's a wonderful time to take a step back and truly appreciate all the mothers that surround us - particularly our own. 

Growing up Mother's Day was always that holiday that I would try to think of something sweet I could do to make my own mom feel appreciated. There was no association with pain or sadness, maybe guilt sometimes if I wasn't as prepared as I should have been, lol, but mostly joy and gratefulness that God blessed me with such a great mom. I loved being able to shower her with love and praise - she deserves it for all the time, sacrifice, and love she has poured into our family over the years.

A few years ago, however, Mother's Day took on new emotions for me. I honestly started to dread the approach of Mother's Day as I knew it would be the flashing neon sign reminding me of how I was incapable of becoming a mother. Infertility can cause Mother's Day to be one of the hardest days of the year. I know for me, infertility became just a daily part of my life - some days would be harder than others, but it almost becomes a part of who you are, a defining characteristic because it affects so many of the decisions you make and the direction of your life. But Mother's Day is that one day a year where everyone stops and turns their attentions towards mothers and pours out accolades and dotes on all those wonderful women who have given so much - oh the blessing of motherhood. It's true, it's so very true that it's a blessing and those wonderful women have sacrificed so much and SHOULD be honored, but to the infertile heart it's so very painful. You want to feel that precious life in you SO badly, you want to make the sacrifice and give that precious child everything you possibly can, but yet for some reason God has said "no". For whatever reason, you're left sitting on your chair at church while all the other women stand up when the preacher recognizes the mothers. Everyone around you is told "Happy Mother's Day" while people quietly walk passed you because, after all, you're not a mother. Proverbs 30:15, 16 says it well:

“There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’"

The barren womb longs to be filled, yet this day is a reminder that that deep longing and yearning are still unfulfilled with no explanation or reason as to why.

Moving forward to this year... I look down today and see this bulge on my belly and feel these movements beneath my skin and I realize that today, on this Mother's Day, I'm a mom... and the thought makes me weep. I weep with joy and unbelief and gratitude at this miraculous gift in my womb, this gift that I never thought I would get to experience. Oh, precious little one in my womb, if you only knew how dearly you are loved already! However, as much as my weeping is of joy, a portion of my weeping is still in sadness. Now that I have tasted the pain and sorrow of infertility, I don't think I will ever be able to look at this day the same because my heart is still heavy for all those women who wake up and get to walk through today with the painful reminder of that yearning that is still unfulfilled asking, "Why God? Why not yet?" and having to surrender to His timing even when it makes no sense. I'll go to church today and look around at all the women that surround me knowing there are likely some who are deeply grieving today and honestly, my heart hurts deeply for them. I anticipate the pastor's words honoring the women in the congregation who get to wear the title of "Mom" and, for the first time, those words don't stab my heart, but yet I cringe a little knowing that knife is going into someone else's heart and I long for comforting words to be spoken to those who have experienced loss - whether it be of a child you've actually conceived or the loss of a child you've only dreamed of conceiving, or even the loss of your own mother.

Today my heart is filled with gratitude and joy and thankfulness, but today I also mourn and weep and pray for my dear sisters who surround me who are hurting on this day - your pain isn't forgotten.

"[The Lord] heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
His understanding has no limit." Psalm 143:3-5

Mischief

This occurred a few weeks ago... Savannah was being awfully quiet, which is never a good sign. I went looking for her and heard some faint noises coming from the bathroom. This is what I found:

"What Mom??? Why are you staring at me?"

"Oh that... that wasn't me!"

"Really Mom, I didn't do it... I just found it like that!"

The little stinker! I caught her as she was sauntering out of the bathroom and she really did look at me like she was the most innocent thing in the world. Kind of like, "Did you see what happened in here? I didn't do it!" It was pretty funny, despite the poor fate of the toilet paper roll.

Update

A quick update: I had an ultrasound on Tuesday and found out that I have a 5cm (nearly 2 inch) cyst on my ovary. It's most likely a remnant of my last cycle. From all that they could tell, it seems to be a simple cyst. I was told that if it were a complex cyst they would need to surgically remove it, but the kind I have should go away without any intervention. So this cycle we're on our own, no Clomid or mid-cycle ultrasound. Hopefully it will go away! If it doesn't, the doctor will likely want to put me on birth control for a month to get rid of it... and I really don't want to have to do that!

"Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.... I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:3, 6-8

Find Rest

I thought I was pregnant. I really thought I was pregnant. I had spotting mid-cycle which I've never had and the timing was perfect for it to indicate implantation. But then I got my period... a week early. So now we start over and try to figure out what in the world happened this cycle. In the meantime, I'll be clinging to these verses:

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
Psalm 62:5-8

I've decided that if this is what it takes to bring God glory, so be it. I know He loves me and I know He hears my prayers, so this must be where He wants us. So I will cling to Him and trust that He will provide exactly what I need when I need it.

Prayer Request

Friday at 11:30am we have an ultrasound and I would really, REALLY appreciate all the prayer we can get. This has been my third cycle on Clomid and my second ultrasound. Last month didn't go so well... we went in for our ultrasound to see if I had any follicles large enough to ovulate and I didn't - just a bunch of small, undeveloped follicles. We met with the infertility nurse after the ultrasound and the first words out of her mouth were, "this just isn't working..." It wasn't the most encouraging conversation I've ever had. So this month we upped my dosage and we're going back for my second ultrasound. I so badly want to be positive about it and full of hope, but all week I've had this bad feeling about how it's going to turn out. I'm praying God will perform a miracle... that He'll remember me and open my womb and lead us out of this dark and tiring journey.

It's so strange the emotions that come with infertility. Some days, I have an inexpressible joy that I know comes only from God. But just as quickly as the joy comes, it can disappear, for no apparent reason and leave in its place doubt and dread and confusion. One of the hardest parts for me is not understanding how God wants to use this in my life. I know He has a purpose, but it doesn't make any sense to me right now. I know God is sovereign and controls all things, which can be comforting, but can also make everything that much harder because I know God has complete power to open my womb, but for whatever reason He is choosing not to. That is a hard thing to wrestle with... to praise and worship God despite feeling like He is holding back one of my greatest desires. But He is bigger than me and I'm constantly humbled by that fact and my lack of faith.

So I'm praying that God proves me wrong this month - that all my gut feelings are wrong and we walk out of our appointment Friday with renewed hope and joy... because right now my hope is starting to run low. It's just exhausting trying to conceive month after month with no success. Thank you all for partnering with us in prayer and I will let you know how it goes. My prayer is that God can be glorified regardless of what happens.

Blessings

Sometimes there is a song that helps define a period of your life; a song that nearly perfectly describes what you are feeling or what you are going through. ‘Tis the case with Laura Story’s song Blessings. I feel like it captures so much of how I have felt during this period of my life:

We pray for blessings. We pray for peace.

Comfort for family. Protection while we sleep.

We pray for healing, for prosperity.

We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

But all the while you hear each spoken need.

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom; Your voice to hear.

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.

We doubt Your goodness. We doubt Your love.

As if every promise from Your word is not enough.

But all the while, You hear each desperate plea.

And long that we’d have faith to believe.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us. When darkness seems to win, we know…

The pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. It’s not our home.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?

What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?

Infertility has been my companion for nearly two years. It is like this invisible devastating force in my life that just will not go away. No matter how much I hope, how much I ignore it, or how much I pray, it never seems to leave my side. It has changed my life. As much as I have tried to live in spite of it and not be defined by it, I truly believe that it is one of those things in my life that will forever change me. As a result of all we’ve gone through, I have wrestled with God more times than I can count and been humbled to my knees more times than I can even remember. Infertility is such a humbling thing because you realize you have no control. When you can’t even control what happens within your own body, this body that allows me to live and breath and think and move… to realize that I have no control over it, is incredibly humbling. To know that no matter how much I beg God for a child, no matter how much I pray or read His word, or plead with Him to hear my cries…. it doesn’t change the fact that my womb is still empty. It’s humbling. It’s humbling because it makes me realize that I cannot control God. It reminds me that I can’t always get what I want and sometimes God has plans that are different than mine. Even when His plans don’t make sense, when I can’t understand or comprehend why this journey can’t finally come to an end, He knows. And He loves me enough to keep asking me to endure it, to keep putting me in situations that get harder and harder at every turn.

This song describes my heart perfectly. We pray for things to go how we want them. We even pray for good things, things we know God loves. But just because we pray doesn’t mean God is going to answer and just because God doesn’t answer doesn’t mean that our cries weren't heard. I know He hears my pleading. He sees the aching in my heart and my longing to hold a child. The desire I have to teach a little boy or girl about our Savior, to see their eyes light up over the silliest things, to hear their cries knowing it is my arms alone that can soothe them… He sees it all. The hardest thing to do is to wrestle with the emotions of feeling abandoned and cast off by God and somehow begin to view them as blessings, as His mercies. Because how can something so painful, something that seems filled with darkness and loneliness and silence, how can that be God’s blessing?

There have been times when I have cried out to God, asking Him where He is, why He is so silent, why He seems so very far away. Sometimes I’m angry, but most of the time I just hurt because I don’t understand it. I don’t see it as God sees it. I only see little snapshots of this life, I can’t see the whole canvas, I can’t see the whole story He is writing and fulfilling day by day. I’ve doubted who God is and how He can love me when He feels so far away. And regarding those emotions, Laura Story brings up one of the most piercing lines. “As if every promise from Your word is not enough.” That thought pierces my heart to the core because infertility does not change what God did for me. It doesn’t change the fact that He died for me; in fact it just shows me yet another reason why He died for me. He died to rescue me from the death and darkness and diseases of this world. He died to rescue me from the sin that brought about infertility in the first place. I firmly believe that if there was no fall, no sin, there would be no infertility. This cannot be how God intended it. Christ died so that I can one day be free of everything that fills this world, the sadness and darkness and depravity. This isn’t my destiny forever. Regardless of what happens today or tomorrow or next year, someday I will be free of all that grieves my heart. I will see my Savior and fall at His feet and for the first time truly understand what He did to set me free, what it cost Him to allow me to walk into His presence and spend eternity with Him.

My heart knows all that, my heart knows that this world is not the end, but it still hurts. It doesn’t change the fact that I still have to walk through this journey today and feel the weight of unfilled desires and unanswered pleas. I have hope that God has good things planned for our family, but I daily have to grapple with the fact that even if God never answers our prayers for a child, He is still good and sovereign and worthy of our praise. He is Adonai and Abba, both my Lord and my Father… my Savior whose grace daily sustains this beating heart.

My desires is to be able to be more open about where we've been and where we're going. I know we have a family that desires to walk with us through this journey and it is hard to be supportive when you don't even know what is happening... so here begins our postings about this arduous journey (that will hopefully have a sweet and beautiful ending sooner rather than later...).