I've had this post sitting unpublished for over a month now, but I figure I should actually post it and begin the stream of posts that I'd planned about our precious little one before I don't have any spare time to record this part of our journey!
Honestly, for months now I have pondered how to start this post and what to title it. The word that most strongly expresses how I feel is "speechless." I feel completely at a loss for words, humbled in amazement and awe.
Before I started writing this I read through some of my previous posts and found tears welling in my eyes numerous times. That 5 cm cyst that I was so nervous about turned out to be a wonderful, glorious cyst as it was healthy enough to be conceived into a child.
Going back to November, when the time came for that cycle to come to an end, I had pondered all week when I should take a pregnancy test and Thanksgiving day I woke up and decided that I might as well. I didn't feel like going to a large family gathering and having the disappointing news dropped on me that once again I was NOT pregnant. I figured it was better to know in the comfort and quietness of my home so I could grieve in private. I never thought it would be positive. I've seen so many negative pregnancy tests I was convinced that a negative result was all I was capable of producing with my body. I sat there looking at that little piece of plastic and to my shock started to see a faint line appear and for the first time ever it wasn't just the control line! You never know how you'll react in a situation like that; I didn't know if I'd be stunned, numb, or bawl my eyes out. As I stared at that little line all I could do was weep.
Andrew, the poor guy, he had worked nights the previous evening and was still in bed as he'd probably only gotten 3 or 4 hours of sleep by that time. Here comes this crazy woman stumbling into his bedroom, half dressed, bawling her eyes out. He jumped out of bed thinking something terrible had happened and all I could stammer out was, "I think I'm pregnant..." and then I continued to bawl.
It was honestly like I was in a daze. I knew God could open my womb if he wanted to, but I'd honestly come to believe that he didn't want that for us. I was convinced we would never get pregnant until after we adopted, if we ever got pregnant at all. But low and behold, God's plans for us were much different than I ever dreamed. And even now, months later, all I can do is sit in awe and wonder, completely speechless.
1 comment:
having heard this story a time or two... it's still no surprise to me that it brings me to tears as well, just thinking about it. I can't help but think God was smiling, then laughing, as He saw you weep, and as His plan and miracle were revealed to you in HIS time. I will NEVER forget when you told me you were pregnant-what, 2 or 3 days after I'd told you were were-- my jaw nearly hit the floor- but my heart soared. JOY. We pray DAILY for this blessed babe- and give God ALL the Praise for this beautiful, treasured life. I can't wait to hold him or her in my arms and express how much this babe is loved. : )
Anna
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